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Miserable At Best

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I assure you the words that follow are not the lyrics of a popular song.

I don’t understand why it took me so long to accept to myself that I’m indeed miserable.  At the age of 22, I am expected to be having the time of my life– partying with friends, earning money to stabilize myself, meeting lots of people so I can widen my social circle, traveling to distant places with family, kissing a boyfriend who could potentially be a husband–except that I am not in any of these situations.  I don’t know why but I just seem so disconnected with the world around me.  I am like a princess imprisoned by my wicked stepmother in a far away tower or the sole survivor of a plane crash in an uninhabited island.  I just feel so alone.  I’m a stranger who thinks about the strangeness of the people and the world around her.  They say no man is an island, but I’m starting to disagree with that.  Some antisocial individuals are at least lucky to have their families, maybe that’s why they don’t need much social support.  I have a family, but I never had the feel of it.  I know each family has its own weakness, there is never a perfect one.  But what I miss is the sharing, the closeness between siblings, the proper guidance of a parent.  I feel like we are just so passive, there was never warmth and openness unlike in other homes I’ve been to.  And for friends? I have acquaintances, lots of them, and also a few people whom I call friends– my lunch buddies at school, my little clique when I was in college, my group mates in hospital duties, guys I have a good laugh with– but nobody particularly close.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my groups but there’s just something lacking in them.  I just feel like we haven’t really shared our whole selves, just the part of us that is easy to see, just the part we want other people to see. And I am looking for something deeper, more of a best friend who could almost be as close as a sister or brother, perhaps more.  And there were a few persons whom I thought I have built this kind of relationship with, but turned out I was wrong.  In the end, they all left.  People come and go, and based on experience, they really do.  Sometimes too fast, sometimes insidiously, sometimes inevitably, like grains of sand that just slip through your fingers no matter how you hold on to them.  And some people foolishly let go of good friends when they find someone who could be their every thing.  And sadly for me, I am that good friend.  Unfortunately for me too, given the fact I don’t have so much friends of my own,  I haven’t found that someone too. Twenty two years yet I have never been intimate with anybody–never even had my first kiss (thank god I’m anonymous!). Truth is I don’t know why.  I’m not ugly, I know that. But surely aesthetics is not the only reason people fall in love. I have never been in love.  Well, as my teacher once put it, I have fallen with the idea of love.  But I learned my lesson from that, and i learned to be patient.  I have waited, been waiting for that person whom I can emotionally connect with but nobody seems to fit me.  I am not in rush, whether my knight in shining armor comes or not I’m gonna live my life as I’ve promised myself before.  But it got me wondering, perhaps there’s something wrong with me too.  Do I push people away? Am I wearing a ‘keep off’ sign on my forehead? Beats me.  All I ever wanted is to meet someone with whom I can share everything, who knows me in and out and still accepts me and loves me for what I really am and for whom I will do the same. What do they call it?hmm soulmate? Yeah, I’ve been a hopeless romantic all my life but I can’t seem to find him I’m starting to think I’ve been nothing but a hopeless lunatic! Sure, my ideas and outlook in life may be atypical or unconventional but I don’t believe there’s no one like me..there’s got to be someone for me out there. As a kid, I’ve had always believed in happily ever afters but now that I’m an adult I’m not quite so sure.  I really want to believe in it badly, to assure myself that waiting for the right man has been the right thing to do after all.  Now, I really have no idea. What I’m sure of is that everything that has happened and is happening in my life is meant to be, it’s part of my journey as an individual. Every experience is integral for each lesson learned is a force that moves my soul forward in its evolution. Some paths are meant to be traveled alone. People may come but some are never meant to stay.   As for my soulmate, we will meet if we are destined to. I don’t know what the future has in store for me and brooding over matters that I do not have the answers is a waste of time. Perhaps I’ll just shrug this off and to hell with all these negativities! I’ll just wake up and face tomorrow with a broad sweet smile thanking the universe for every bit of life around me. Whatever it is I’m being miserable about, I know everything will turn around and fall in its proper place. I trust the Universe, I always do, that no matter where the tides bring me it will always be to a better place than before.

(Guess I’m not that miserable after all! :D)

*credits to google for the images